My Stories

Many years ago I signed myself into a hospital because I was feeling suicidal. While in the hospital, I crawled under the bed because I was afraid of people and had no desire to live. The nurses would keep pulling me out and as soon as they left my room I would crawl back under the bed.
This went on for two weeks until one night on the midnight shift a nurse I had never met literally got down on her hands and knees and crawled under the bed with me and laid beside me. She took hold of my hand and told me that she wouldn't let anybody hurt me and it was safe to come out. I didn't believe her but I did come out after she laid there for about an hour with me.
There are many people who are under the bed in their emotions. They are afraid to show their emotions for fear of being ridiculed and put down. We need to open our hearts to others who are hurting emotionally and all of us hurt in one way or the other.
I encourage you to find someone you can trust, someone who won't judge you or make fun of you and open your heart to that person. I know from experience that the only way to get rid of all the hurt in our hearts is to start talking to others.
God said that we are to bear one another's burdens. It is impossible to bear someone's burdens if we don't know what they are. The best way to help someone is by sharing what you have been through so that person will know that you really do care and understand.
Come out from under the bed in your emotions into the Arms of Jesus. He Loves you so much and is yearning to fellowship with you. You have tried everything else and it didn't work. Try Jesus and you will be victorious through the Love of Jesus.
Joanne Lowe
January 22, 2005

A decade ago, when I was just 20, I was desperately contemplating suicide. Although I did not want to die, I felt that life was just too cruel. I wanted to be with my maker, I wanted to be with God. I have always known, for as long as I could remember, that heaven was true paradise. I felt strongly, that in heaven I would experience an unconditional love, where no one would judge me and where I could experience true inner peace.
You see, I was not dealt an easy hand in life. My parents divorced when I was just 5 and I could remember the frightful arguments they had from the time I was just an infant. I was an only child who lived with my mother. She worked all the time and had very little patience. Very often I was verbally and physically abused by her. She didn't stop trying to hit me until I was in my late 20's. She would always call me nasty names and curse at me.
My mother used to go out on the weekends with her boyfriend and so she dropped me off with a "friend" of the family to be babysat. As it turned out, that "friend" molested me from the time I was 6 until the time I was 10 years old. We lived in small apartments and moved a lot, so I was shuffled around from school to school. Life was very unstable for me.
My father was a part of my life on Sundays but he had remarried and had another two daughters of his own. Most of my youth, I was stuck in the crossfire of my parents who were vehemently arguing with each other about everything under the sun. I didn't know where I fit in.
Then came my teenage years. I always had a lot of friends because of the lack of love I felt I had in my family life. One night when I was 16, I was drinking with my friends in the park. A 23 year old man who had always asked me out saw that I was drunk and took advantage of it by taking my virginity after I had passed out. I had been trying to save whatever was left of my sexuality from being molested as a child for my husband. I had never had intercourse and was then raped as a virgin. I really believed for a long time that I had asked for it, that it was my own fault because I was drinking when I wasn't supposed to. I felt worthless.
Following these incidents, I turned to drugs, alchohol, and my friends. These were the only things that seemed to be consistent for me. Although I was very smart, in all advanced classes in elementary school, I was constantly in trouble in high school. I never paid attention, cut out of class, and clearly remember the assistant principal telling me he "hated me." I think I must have hated myself.
The boyfriends I chose were usually abusive and controlling. When I was 17, I met a man I thought I loved and loved me. He constantly cheated on me, and very frequently hit me as well. Once again, I felt I must deserve it since I seemed to be a "victim" repeatedly throughout my life. One day I decided I couldn't withstand the abuse anymore and that I had just wanted to die. I had never intentionally hurt anyone,
and in fact would go out of my way to help others quite frequently, yet I could never get an easy hand dealt to me here on Earth.
I was ready to end it all. My mother had always treated me like a burden, my father had a new life and I felt like "who would really care anyway?" I spent much of that evening crying hysterically, asking God for his forgiveness for what I was about to do. I felt tainted, dirty, unworthy of love and all I could say as I spoke into the air was "Is anyone listening to me? Does anyone hear me?"
It was then that I met one of my angels. Up from a candle came out a round, purple, glowing ball of light. This light was accompanied by such an incredible feeling of love and this love wrapped its arms around my fragile body. In my deepest despair my angel had come to rescue me and to tell me that yes, she was listening to me with her loving heart. I couldn't believe my eyes as this sparkling ball of light bounced around my head, shoulders and the room. I really thought I was imagining things but my angel stayed with me long enough for me to realize that she had manifested herself to me to save my life. And she did.
I am alive and here to tell this story because of my angel. From that point on, I went from being a "victim" to being a "survivor." I had always had a special affinity for angels, and I had always believed in angels but I never thought I would be so blessed to meet one. God had graced me with his gift of love and faith at the lowest point of my life.
From that point on I began to work on loving myself and changing my life. I have grown into a woman who went back to school and ultimately got a Graduate Degree with high honors. I married a man who genuinely loves me and would never jeopordize or take advantage of our love. He is the sweetest man I know, who couldn't hurt a fly never mind hit a woman. I have a beautiful daughter who I adore and plan to have another child in the near future. I have a career I love in which I help others. I live in a wonderful town and have an amzing home. I show love and share my happiness to friends and strangers. I am so glad that I didn't end my life that day and I have no one to thank for that except my very own, special angel!

Humanity and its amazing power of ignoring the power of consequence. Not to meniton the rape of all that is good or was supposed to be.

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I am online. I was answering tickets @ the help desk when who should instant message me, but a girl from the webcam website. The one where they show themselves nude over the internet. First off, where did they get access to my address? Second, she really did not know to whom she was addressing. When I recieved the instant message, I responded by saying, "You are posting to an angel. Do you wish to continue?"
I was further going to communicate by explaining what she was doing was wrong, but found out she had suddenly signed off the internet.
People, I am sorry, but God made your bodies for one reason and one reason only. So that you could enter this physical plane and that you may get to share it with your husband or wife, not the whole darned planet via the internet! I may sound a little upset, but that was a another reminder of the nature of demonic influence on this planet. It's bad enough that I should see the physical violence on this planet first hand, but to have some seemingly possessed soul strut what was supposed to be her sacred physicality on my computer is the last straw.
I am tired of the carelessness certain members of humanity portray.
I do feel for her, however, as I am what I am. As I do for those who don't recognize that they are above such acts of self-destruction.
I came to ask that you put a thought, a prayer out for those who are influenced in this manner. That perhaps one day they may see it in themselves to stop such personal crimes.
Thabk you-

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I recall what God once told me, "You may go into the house of illrepute, but be not angered, but saddened and know that I tried to get in there.
I do get a tear everytime I witness humanity and the very negative lengths they go to without ever knowing that God stood beside them or at least tried to. I am sorry you guys for bringing this to you, but the best way to get htis out of me is to bring it here. For I am saddened that I should know that girl had God to turn to, yet she turned herself to the wolves.

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God, thank you for this time I have to give. For it is in the giving that I come closer to your love.
Sera'naphsus

Something about a big city feels threatening. So many strangers carrying so many secrets. So many streets and alleys to get lost in. Does one more person - do I - make any difference in the rush of the crowd? Is anyone watching out for my well-being? Would anyone even notice if I disappeared? Yes-the ANGELS notice.

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SUBWAY SENTINEL

New York can be exciting and scary all at once. I discovered this when I was a freshman at a design school, getting to know the Big Apple. After communting from my parents' home in Irvington, New Jersey, for a while, I'd found a tiny apartment in Greenwich Village.

One Sunday evening in January I was waiting for the subway at West Forty-Second Street. That station was deserted, and it made me uneasy. I was used to seeing the platform bustling with people. It's the weather, I thought, hugging myself against the freezing cold. Where's that train?

I glance at the stairs, hoping another passenger would appear. Most of the time I wasn't afraid in the city. "There's no problem here," I would tell myself if I felt nervous in a crowd or walking alone on a dark street. "God is always with me." It usually worked. But not that night. That night was creepy.

Finally I heard the rumbling and roaring of an arriving train. The loud noise sounded like music to me. The train doors slid open, and I stepped aboard with a sense of relief. But th subway car was empty too, and I felt anxious all over again. I chose a seat near the door. Only three stops to Greenwich Village.

A man entered my car at the next station. He stood looking around for a moment, and then as the doors closed he took the spot right next to me. God is forever by my side, I tried to tell myself.

The man sat calmly, staring straight ahead as the train began to move. He wore a knit hat that pulled down over long, shaggy hair, and a scarf draped his shoulders. He wasn't a large man, but I was much smaller, and no match for him if he wanted to harm me. "You don't know this," he said quietly, "but I'm your guardian angel."

What should I do? I thought frantically. I'm trapped on the subway with a crazy man.

Wham! The door between the cars slammed open. A gang of teenage boys stormed in, maybe nine of them, walking single file, shouting and cursing. They punched each other in some macho display and kicked the seats as they swaggered down the aisle.

Trembling, I stared at my lap, clutching my purse. These guys were looking for trouble. The man sat silently beside me. When the gang passed in front of us, one of them said, "Aw, there's nobody in here!"

They left the train at the next stop, and the man patted my hand. I wasn't sure what to say when we both got off at the station in the Greenwich Village. My guardian immediately blended into the crowd on the platform. But the One who sent him would forever be by my side.

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Written by my friend Evelyn Fehlberg. I hope you have enjoy this little story, may you always have a guardian angel by your side. Remember always that God is our guardian angel and He will send us a guardian angel for all situations in life.

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God Bless,
SweetMellie

Thursday April 29, I went to a diversity workshop sponsored by the NCCJ. I'd been through the workshop myself and I came back to help run it for the seventh graders. I thought maybe they'd learn a thing or two about being more tolerant and might change and grow a bit, but boy did I underestimate them.

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As the day began, Maudi (our coordinator) did her regular icebreaker by having them form in lines of 10 and pass a balloon between them in various ways. And as it's normal for 7th graders to do, they laughed, goofed off and generally had a good time. Then things got serious.

Maudi had them sit down and talked to them for a bit about the seriousness of sexual abuse and harassment. A lot of the kids just looked bored and snickered, but a few were interested. Then she asked for them to write on post it notes things that they saw in school they wanted to stop. As I and my helper collected the post it notes, the smile I had on my face faded away as I read them. I expected to see little stuff like overcrowded hallways, better lunches and maybe a little less bullying. What I got was things like: 'I want the teachers to stop touching me as much', 'I wish the guys wouldn't grab my boobs and my butt', 'I wish people would stop calling me God's mistake', and 'I wish the girls would stop grabbing my privates and telling me they want to beat my meat'. Those where just the calmer ones. I thought These are 7th graders! What are they even THINKING about this for? Some of them were so serious I even showed a few to a nearby teacher and she got the principal. They were grim as they looked them over. Maudi didn't even think she could touch that without things getting out of hand and us running out of time, so she left it be just in case.

Then we went to the questions portion. Maudi asked certain personal questions and requested that the students stand if it pertained to them. She started off with small, but serious things like have you ever known someone who's hurt themselves because they felt sad and alone? We had a few people stand up. Then as she got deeper and more serious some of the kids started to break down. We had a few we even had to take outside they were crying so hard. They were cracking over questions like 'have you ever been touched in a way that made you uncomfortable?, 'do you know someone who starves themselves cause they don't think they're pretty enough', or 'have you known someone who attempted to or did commit suicide?' One girl kept breaking down and so I took her out into the food court and asked her what was going on to make her cry so much. She told me that her father was sexually abusing her since she was 3 and she never told anyone. The stories she told were so horrible and the sound of her sobs was so heart breaking that I had to have a teacher come sit with her while I went to cry myself. It was so heartbreaking to see someone so young so hurt by someone who's supposed to take care of her. Then there was the little girl who said her parents wouldn't even hug her and she thought that maybe if she got hurt they would care more, so she cut herself. She said they didn't even wipe away her tears. They just told her to wipe the blood off and deal with the pain. In her own words she said 'I thought that if I got good grades and they didn't care, I would hurt myself and they'd care more...but they didn't.' The tears just poured from her eyes as she beared her soul to her classmates and a few of them burst into sympathetic tears. Some kept their stories to themselves, but the look on their faces said they were in pain. I just wanted to reach out and make all of it go away for them, they're so young. So helpless...

As the workshop went on Maudi changed paces (because all 85 children except 9 were in tears) and talked about bullying. Most of the students cried there too. They talked about being teased in "mainstream" schools (we're a school on a military installation) about hair, clothes, ect. Then they talked about being teased in our school. At the end, there was a lot of hugging and apologizing for things that had been said and done. But at the end of that workshop, there was not one dry eye. Not from the staff, not from the students, not from Maudi and the rest of the helpers. Every single person in there was touched in some way shape or form. When the seniors went in and did this, it drew us close and taught us to respect each other more, but I think the 7th graders learned way more.

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What started as such a young and innocent day of fun turned into a serious day of maturing and growing for everyone in the room. I learned that now, not even the young are innocent anymore. Our children are growing up faster than I ever though possible and they need someone to guide them. I just hope that what they learned today they'll pass on to the younger ones coming up behind them.

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By - The Jesus in you, loves the Jesus in me. The Jesus in you, loves the Jesus in me. So easy...So easy...So easy to love.

When your 15 and nothing is filled with hope and all you keep reaching for is evil, tainted and dark, it's real easy to lose everything in the blink of an eye.

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All I had was my so called "friends" to lean on.I kept screaming in his face and he just kept screaming back.
"I hate you so much,I'd like to VOMIT when I see your face"I screamed.
"Get out of my house before I wake up or you're THROUGH!"
We never did get along very well ever since I had turned about 10.I was his baby girl until I grew up and stopped getting his beer and obeying his every word.I had this friend,Tasha was her name.We used to sit in the electrical room and smoke ciggarettes I used to steal from my parents, I thought I was cool....I smelled like a dirty, ash filled shoe.I went out at 6 pm and didn't bother to grace any one in my family with my presence until about 4 am.I loved drinking until his voice faded from my mind.My boyfriend held my hips as I passed the joint and lost all reality.It was simple....I couldn't think about how much I hated him or myself for that matter if I couldn't think at all.My "friends" kept telling me that everything I was doing was reasonable and if I hurt him,he deserved it.I believed everything they said...after all they were supplying my drugs, my pretend wolrd of "O.K".I would walk in on him comforting my mother, who by this point was drowning in her tears because of me.I didn't care though, I was dilusional and happy with it.One night we found an abandoned apartment and decided this little secluded haven was perfect for partying that night.I smoked myself stupid and drank myself into oblivion.I guess thats why it didn't matter so much when the cops came and arrested us all.I guess when you're 15 and stoned out of your mind being arrested can be funny but oh was I wrong when I sobered up.Long story short the cops decided to give the punishment rights to my parents....I'd rather be in jail.Three days of the silent treatment,complete with the cold shoulder until my plane took off, was pure agony.Thursday morning at 6am my plane took off to my grandmothers house in Flordia,banned from the family,exiled.I was angry and then I didn't understand why I was being sent away for one little mistake.Over the almost seven months I spent in complete solitude I started to realize just how many people I hurt and just how bad.My mother was completely scarred by me.

After a passing birthday of sitting in a lonely driveway and eating my birthday cake all alone, I started to feel like I had lost all sense of myself.Which wasn't a big surprise, considering the person I was before I was sent away was a pretend diluted version of who I really was.

They finally called.I heard my mothers voice,I mean really heard her voice for the first time in almost 7 months.I felt this rush of pain flow over me.The pain of hurting her over and over again for no reason what-so-ever.All the therapy, all the talking and talking and talking had finally paid off.I was finally ready to go home.When I walked back into that house I cringed.I could feel everything...every cry,every angry fight they had over me and the bilgerance of my mother....still standing up for me.Even after all I had done, she still stood by,faith never failing,her love never waivering.

I had hurt the one person who EVER truly loved me...not because she thought she had to but because she just did.Every thing I once found important didn't seem so special anymore.Now I feel lucky to be able to spend the little bit of time I do with her.Every second I can be held by her like I'm her baby again is precious and no amount of drugs or "friends" can ever stray me from that again.

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I had finaly grown up and realized that blurring or numbing my pain with drugs and fake friends to surrond myself with wasn't helping me.It in fact was killing me.If they hadn't sent me away when they did...I'm sure my tombstone would have been beautiful.

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By - I am an angel...my wings just got burnt while falling to the ground....

I am so happy right now, Thing's are turning for the better, On top of the rent being paid I should have this job son, Working as a manager for a kids clothing store... So I am all smile's for now!!!!
PattyM

Maine is very cold even now at this time of year...we had a couple good days where the kids did not have to wear coats, but yesterday my girls did...and we drove past the park and kids were wearing hats and mittens!...as soon as I get out of Nursing school, its down South for me!!

I would like to make most of my journals public as I am led to tell my story and share my life with others.

Right now, I am off to fix the kids a treat....they like this dip that I make with cream cheese on the bottom, then salsa and then shredded chedder on the top, then heat in an oven for 20 minutes or so...its a cheap treat, and yummy (kinda messy) and lets not forget we need some sort of corn chips...!!!

Everybody enjoy their evening, and I am thrilled to be on this site, it seems very "calming" -- something we all need

momma2girls

Next week I will be 41 years old. If it was not for my Spirit Guide, Merlin, and my angels I don't know if I would be here today. I look at my life as a story. I have had so many chapters and new beginnings and I don't regret any endings. I know it's hard to see that each ending can be a new beginning but I now know that there is always new beginnings if you let your angels and God help you to start that new beginning.

December 24th, 2004 is my birthday. I yearned to go back to Canada and be with my family but Immigration did not send me my travel pass in time. My husband and I are going to Las Vegas instead next week. I still feel very lucky because I have my husband for Christmas. I'm sharing Christmas with the one I love which is more than alot of people in this world can say. I pray for those people that have lost someone whom they love. Christmas is a hard time of year for them. My husband was suppose to be deployed to Iraq in December. Instead circumstances were changed and he will be sharing Christmas with me. He does leave in January though.
Merry Christams to all and a wonderful New Year.

snowflake

Life has seemed so strange to me. It seems as if it has been one battle after another. I use to think that it wasn't worth living. But my son, that died, has shown me the way. He loved life to the fullest. No matter what he had to face. He just dug his heels in and faced it.

I learned through him to see what life was worth. The people that he touched. He was so brave and I was the weak one. I have learned to grow a backbone and face life. It may not be what I wish for... but I am living and as I live I have learn to love it. I could not see being so unhappy all of the time.

I still have hard times... dealing with his death has not been easy. But with each day I grow... with each day I start to heal.

AngelWings