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Sunday February 12 2006 06:58:38 pm Lost and Sucidal
Detail Description:I've been depressed for years, so this isn't exactly something new. I've never really felt loved by my parents and was always a very sensitive person. I was told that I wasn't wanted when I was little, and I always had to deal with that alienation. I, indeed, thought I was a martian to make myself feel better, instead of just a mistake. My mother yelled at me all the time, and family life was quite disfunctional. I became depressive at around 11 years old. It just progressed until I started medication after a suicide attempt right before my sophomore year of college.<br /><br /> I was in a serious, albeit abusive, relationship for a year and a half. I went out with my best friend who I thought shared my interests and morals. There were some warning signs about his morals a little before the relationship started, but he always promised he had an explanation and begged me to stay with him. He'd throw tantrums if I tried to leave, and I did quite a bit. He molested me early on, but I couldn't believe that it was happening. I had low self-esteem and honestly didn't think anyone could love me, probably due to how my parents reacted to me growing up. I was called ugly a lot and made fun of, all the while experiencing undiagnosed depression. So, I guess I was pretty desperate. I couldn't get my mind around the fact that he was doing things to me, especially since he knew for quite some time how important sexual behavior was to me (in that I wanted no part of it, really, because I watned a relationship based upon love and no part of lust). I cried, and I tried to talk to him about it, but he'd just cry and shift the focus onto him. Maybe I was too kind, but I can't stand watching others cry and then neglecting them, for it has always happened to me. Anyway, there were some good times, and it was nice to have someone I thought I could rely on (although he was never there for me when I really needed him). Even though he was real clingy at first, I stayed with him, and he raped me. I kept trying to leave, but to no avail. He swore he loved me and would always care, but he's not your typical jerk. He (seemed, anyway) was quite kind and I thought he was a good person. Maybe a few problems, but I thought those were due to his unpleasant family background. He always seemed sincere when he said that there could never be anyone else, and he asked me to marry him quite often. I consented, because I didn't think there ever could be anyone else, and I sacrificed so much for him. I thought he was taking the relationship seriously. After all, he was hooked to me near the beginning, so why couldn't I ask my future husband to help me when I was down? He never really treated me as I wanted to be treated, and he was never really what I wanted, but I really grew to care about him. He made me sad a lot, especially since he never wanted to talk to me about anything, but at least he was physically there (we moved in as roommates - seperate rooms- for the school year, although he left in December). I ended up smacking him after a while, because he pushed me over the breaking point. It didn't matter that he was raping me or hurting me or anything, I was the bad person for lashing out. But, truth is, I was like a wounded animal. I was ready to explode, and NOTHING I did made him stop.<br /> <br /> I was around him for a while, much like he was at the beginning of the relationship to me, and he couldn't handle it, apparently. He finally left when I really needed some help, and while he acted at first like he wanted to do something still and remain friends, that didn't last. He never could explain why. He never could explain so many of the bad thigns he did, before and during the relationship.<br /> <br /> I know he's obviously not a good person for me to be around, but I feel so hurt and betrayed by the things he did. He started to hang out with our old "friends," who turned on me a while back because I didn't approve of drinking like a bunch of idiots, and who also made fun of him about things he was sensitive about (such as his weight) behind his back. I doubt he ever believed me. It was a really unhealthy group, but he said that they were "good people" and took their side when they attacked me. It was such a betrayal at the time, and I was very suicidal. He went to go play pool with one of his friends when I was this way. It was obviously a failed suicide, but it was a serious enough attempt that I had to leave school for a month. He sent flowers and visited only after I got really upset at him for not caring or doing anything. I had to tell him that he should have sent flowers or an e-mail or done SOMETHING. But anyway, he's hanging around those people again. I found out that he lied to me a while back; he got a high school girlfriend (he was a sophomore in college, she a junior in high school) about a month after he decided we were finally over but didn't let me know. After everything I've done, and put up with, that was a huge slap. I've tried to talk to him to apologize for some of my behavior, and I tried to explain things to him about why I did what I did, but he was just downright cruel to me. <br /> <br /> God, I can't even keep my thoughts very straight right now. There's so much to say, and if you've made it this far, I thank you for listening. Let's just say that he's been kicking me while I've been down, and I can really find no one to go to for help. I've seen a counsellor, I've got medication, and I was even in the mental hospital for a short while because of everything. I have post-tram. stress and anxiety attacks from the abuse (rapes and the like), but no one really cares. No one really seems to even believe me, since it was partner rape and that somehow makes it okay. He's accused me of lying about it because of a broken relationship, but the only time I was lying was during it. I thought maybe someday he'd come to see how much he was hurting me and might honestly listen, if he actually loved me. I suppose he didn't, and I can't deal with that fact. Honestly, I don't think I can forgive myself, and that's a big problem. <br /> <br /> It's so hard for me to get out of bed and do anything. I really, honestly, truly just want to die, but I've had at least three "serious" attempts and I don't want to fail again. I feel used, absued, and worthless. I see no light at the end of the tunnel. Everytime I think it can't get any worse, it always does. I don't want to live this way. I really tried to have a more positive outlook and get better, but I need help, and there's no one willing to give it. I'm going to be 22 soon, and so I'm supposed to be able to take care of myself, but I can't. Emotionally and socially I'm just not stable enough. Especially not after all this.<br /> <br /> All I wanted was someone who would care about me, and I would certainly give them the world in return. But I guess the fact of the matter is that I'm just not worth it. And I can't even muster up the energy to properly die.<br /> <br /> Please, what can I do? Professional help hasn't worked, and there's no way that my ex would ever have an epiphany and try to apologize and help heal the damage he's done. I've given up on my parents a long time ago.<br /> <br /> I can't get over what he's done to me, and what he's doing. I can't get over how damaged I feel. I can't afford help on my own, and my parents don't seem to care about anything but themselves. My mother is obsessed with appearances (cleanliness included) and my father money - I am a bane to both of those things. Therapy has not worked at all. I'm on medication, but all I want to do is sleep. <br /> <br /> Feeling one's existence is unnecessary is the absolute worst feeling. There's nothing darker than that despair. But, I have no boundaries of my own, and I need affirmation before I can start anew. I want to get over this boy and I want to get away from my parents, but I can't hold down a job in this state (or even get one at the moment). <br /> <br /> There's so much more I would like to say, but I just don't have the energy anymore. I hope everyone else is doing better. beefbowl
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